stfu

Louis is a statistical wonder

Oct. 12, 2011 · national

"As I was trying to push him out, my husband was saying, `Oh, wouldn't it be funny if he was born at 12.13', and he [was]. [ed: FUCK OFF.]read »

Fair Go reporter impaled on chair

Sept. 1, 2011 · national

LATEST: The TVNZ worker impaled when his chair collapsed yesterday is Fair Go reporter Phil Vine. "The staff member involved has requested privacy. TVNZ respects his wishes and will not release further information about his condition or name him," she said. A hospital spokesman this morning also refused to release details, saying the patient had requested his information not be released to the media. [ed: stuff, I know you're too good to care. stay classy.]read »

KFC-loving 107-year-old man dies

Aug. 31, 2011 · national

A 107-year-old man with a love of KFC has died.read »

American Coke fails Kiwi tastebud test

June 26, 2011 · lifeandstyle

A Coca-Cola Amatil spokeswoman said parallel importing was legal.read »

MP removed from Parliament for wearing rugby shirt

June 7, 2011 · politics

Parliament's dress code dictates male members must wear a tie or jacket buttoned up to the neck. Women must wear ''normal business attire'' however there is no specific detail on what is allowed. read »

Online war against intolerance

April 26, 2011 · anzacday

"I'm not sure of the legalities around spamming but I'm sure few will have any sympathy for them."read »

Nicolas Cage took drugs with cat

April 20, 2011 · entertainment

"The cat ate them voraciously, so I thought what the heck, I better do it with him. I remember lying on my bed for hours and Lewis was on the desk across my bed and we just stared at each other for hours - not moving, just staring at each other, and I had no doubt that he was my brother." read »

Skaters leap quake Christchurch earthquake cracks

April 7, 2011 · national

The video, which features skaters leaping deep cracks in the ground and skating silt-strewn empty streets, has attracted international attention and nearly 13,000 views. [ed: stop it my head hurts.]read »

New Vegemite 'tastes like Marmite'

April 7, 2011 · lifeandstyle

"Like Marmite just with a little bit of flavouring," said Travis, 6. "It tasted just like the one, like Marmite," said Alyssa, also 6. [ed: while this is a life+style article it is also the current front page story. this isn't even reporting since the article is about a thing stuff themselves did.]read »

'Disgusting' Facebook hate campaign

April 3, 2011 · national

Lower Hutt Noel Leeming sales assistant Prashant Parmar said he was "shocked and hurt" by a fake profile using his name, which was spelt incorrectly. [ed: stfu pro tip - facebook isn't news.]read »

Martyn Dunne 'says no' to top Christchurch recover

March 28, 2011 · national

The Government has moved into damage control after it emerged senior civil servant Martyn Dunne will not be Christchurch's first earthquake recovery tsar. [ed: why does this article use the word 'tsar'?]read »

Forethought saves man crushed under ute

March 24, 2011 · national

The man, who lives near Ruapuke, south of Raglan, was working on the vehicle when it slipped off its jack and dropped onto his chest this morning. But fortunately the 36-year-old had thought ahead and placed support material under the frame which supported most of the vehicle's weight. [ed: in related news, I avoided death today by keeping a sensible distance between myself and traffic.]read »

Boy, 3, stuck in vending machine

Feb. 18, 2011 · australia

A three-year-old boy has been freed from inside a toy vending machine at a Australian shopping centre after climbing up the prize chute to get to the toys. [ed: it's world news it's world news it's world news honestly.]read »

Call for reversing cameras in every car

Feb. 14, 2011 · national

"The scientific evidence is quite clear: driveway deaths are preventable. Now the Government has to act to ensure that this vital technology is fitted to every vehicle," he said. Mr Matthew-Wilson said the cameras were widely available and cost between $110 and $700, with installation costs up to $200. He also suggested the cost of fitting the cameras should be subsidised for beneficiaries. read »

Public declarations of love

Feb. 14, 2011 · national

More than 360 messages have been left for loved ones on Stuff's Love Wall, created especially for Valentine's Day.read »

Recipe for a long life

Feb. 13, 2011 · national · aka

Catherine Reddoch is 100 years old and "loving it". The Matamata centurion, known to most as Cat, has found a recipe for a long and happy life.read »

'Drunk Maori' to be targeted at World Cup

Aug. 10, 2011 · duuumb

Wellington bar owners say drunk Maori will be specifically targeted during the World Cup, by a 50-year-old law that has been pulled from the archives by police and the city council.read »

Russia classifies beer as alcoholic

Aug. 9, 2011 · soundslegit

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev has signed a bill that officially classifies beer as alcoholic. Although vodka has long been the traditional tipple in Russia, beer has soared in popularity, being marketed as a healthier alternative to spirits.read »

High speed adult content may drive NBN uptake

July 5, 2011 · notnews

"The single most important factor is the porn factor because pornography has always been at the cutting edge of technology," Wilson said. "If we cannot get porn on the NBN than we will have trouble getting consumer acceptance and uptake." read »

Japan finds rare earths in Pacific seabed

July 5, 2011 · actuallyinteresting

Mr Kato estimated that rare earths contained in the deposits amounted to 80 to 100 billion tonnes.read »

French can tweet - but can't mention Twitter

June 8, 2011 · actuallyinteresting

French TV and radio stations can tweet as much as they like but must stop telling people to consult them on Twitter and Facebook, which amounts to advertising for those sites, France's media regulator says. [ed: this is great. more countries to follow, please.]read »

Taniwha in the way of Auckland rail loop

June 8, 2011 · soundslegit

"What's being done about the taniwha Horotiu who lives just outside here, and that tunnel will be going right through his rohe (area)," Wilcox told the Auckland City Council's transport committee. read »

Copyright law 'will not change'

June 7, 2011 · abusingurgency

Mr Hughes said the legislation was "wildly unpopular", disproportionate and would not work. [ed: it turns out that anything can be a law, even things that do not make a whelk's sense in a supernova.]read »

PM says a safe plank fine by him

May 31, 2011 · sports

The photo shows Max Key performing the act with the Prime Minister standing behind him in the family lounge.read »

Facebook friends delight on birthday

May 30, 2011 · goodtoknow

The mayoress said she had not opened any birthday presents yet, but would be when she got home from work tonight. read »

A whale of a challenge

May 30, 2011 · sports

Trevor v blubber boy 50 – 60k bike race, no motorbikes, on a course to be set by the peoples champion Gordon MacCauley in Auckland between 15 August and 15 September.read »

Home detention for selling party drug

May 25, 2011 · fuckyeahnelson

A 76-year-old grandmother and her 55-year-old daughter had "a nice little money-maker" selling the party drug BZP over the counter at their gift shop from their central Richmond home. But the high ended yesterday when the pair were fitted with ankle bracelets. read »

Chimps will be first to go

May 6, 2011 · formidable

Wellington Zoo has made a hit list of five animals to be shot dead in the event of a major emergency. At least one trained sharpshooter is on hand at the zoo at all times. read »

PM to wear merino and jade to royal wedding

April 22, 2011 · goodtoknow

Prime Minister John Key will be wearing a New Zealand take on stone-washed denim to the royal wedding.read »

Vaccination rate 'dismal'

April 18, 2011 · actuallyinteresting

The Government's top scientist has lashed out at New Zealand's dismal childhood immunisation rates after a parliamentary Health Select Committee report has the country still languishing as one of the worst in the world. read »

Meat glue leads to complaint

April 15, 2011 · duuumb

A "glue" used to stick scraps of meat together to pass for prime cuts has sparked a complaint to the Commerce Commission. [ed: ffs. the 'glue' in question is transglutaminase. not only is it not a glue in the traditional sense, it's also totally safe.]read »

National's list of laws passed under urgency

April 15, 2011 · abusingurgency

Mr Robertson and Kiwiblog blogger David Farrar posted the figures on their blogs this week and called for changes to make it harder for a government to skip select committee stages.read »

Law to fight internet piracy rushed through

April 13, 2011 · abusingurgency

The House is currently in urgency to pass Christchurch earthquake recovery measures. But a spokesman for Simon Power, who sponsors the bill, confirmed other legislation would also be rushed through. The Copyright (Infringing File Sharing) Amendment Bill bans file sharing. It would allow copyright owners to ask for a six-month suspension of the internet accounts of those who repeatedly infringe. [ed: seriously. this is deplorable.]read »

Transocean Bonuses after ‘Best Year in Safety’

April 4, 2011 · corporateamerica

“Notwithstanding the tragic loss of life in the Gulf of Mexico, we achieved an exemplary statistical safety record as measured by our total recordable incident rate and total potential severity rate,” Transocean states in the filing.read »

Ditch the bun, double the fat

March 29, 2011 · certainleveloffear

The controversial Double Down - a bunless burger with two slices of bacon and cheese sandwiched between two slabs of fried chicken - has been confirmed for New Zealand release. [ed: assuming it has the same recipe in NZ as its USA counterpart it actually has less energy than almost anything I can find on Burger King's menu.]read »

POLICE SAVE DOLPHIN

March 28, 2011 · safercommunities

A family day out ends happily after a four year old child accidentally threw her favourite stuffed dolphin out the window whilst travelling on the southern motorway yesterday. Using his years of training, Officer Hodgetts was able to scoop up the dolphin without incident, and return it to a very grateful mother. Police are not looking for anyone else in connection with this incident. read »

Alleged 'head boiling' comment raises ire

March 24, 2011 · notnews

Ngapuhi activist David Rankin says he has complained to the Human Rights Commissioner about one of the commission's staff members. The staff member had written derogatory and potentially defamatory comments about him on her Facebook page, Rankin said. [ed: I allege that facebook is a shit idea in the first place, but does anyone care?]read »

ACT manage to delay foreshore Bill - for 25 mins

March 24, 2011 · perfecttiming

Earlier the ACT Party's filibustering managed to delay debate on the bill - by a whole 25 minutes. ACT Party co-leader John Boscawen lodged 700 questions to members today in a hope to delay the start of the debate. The majority were ruled out of order and just 98 were okayed.read »

Limewire Being Sued For 75 Trillion

March 24, 2011 · songanddance

"13 record companies are trying to sue Limewire for $75 Trillion. The NYC judge in the case thinks it is 'absurd'. 'As defendants note, plaintiffs are suggesting an award that is more money than the entire music recording industry has made since Edison's invention of the phonograph in 1877.' [ed: it's only 30 iraq wars. try harder.]read »

Police warn against teasing dogs ... man bitten

March 17, 2011 · goodtoknow

Police have warned people not to antagonise dogs after a drunken man was bitten in the face by a dog he was teasing in the central North Island township of National Park.read »

World Cup ticket sales set to stall - Government

March 8, 2011 · sports

The Government has partly underwritten the tournament so will bear some of the losses if ticket sales slump. read »

List of Guantanamo Bay detainees accused of posses

Feb. 18, 2011 · notnews

"I have a Casio watch due to the fact that they are inexpensive and they last a long time. I like my watch because it is durable. It had a calculator and was waterproof, and before prayers we have to wash up all the way to my elbows." [ed: not news but WHAT THE FUCK.]read »

Accused win battle to delete web history

Feb. 18, 2011 · duuumb

But the decision has no impact on thousands of other internet hits for the names of one or more of the accused - Anthony John Michael Perish, Mathew Robert Lawton, and Andrew Michael Perish. The court heard a Google search last month found 6930 references to the name of one of the men on Australian sites alone. The order was imposed even though jurors will be told not to look up the case on the internet or discuss it with anyone. read »

Valentine's Day dinner for PM and wife

Feb. 14, 2011 · goodtoknow

"It might be pretty hot if it's like last night," he said. "It's 30 degrees so we'll have a nice night outside," he quickly clarified. [ed: this could just as easily have gone in "wtfstuff". wtf, stuff?]read »

Labour joins Big Gay Out

Feb. 13, 2011 · songanddance · aka

Hundreds of people have turned out to celebrate Auckland's gay and lesbian community at the city's annual Big Gay Out this afternoon. The Prime Minister is due to arrive in the next hour.read »

Valentines with John and Bing Bing

Feb. 13, 2011 · goodtoknow · aka

Earlier this week, Mr Key told reporters he may make more embarrassing gaffes this year, after his camp catwalk walk modelling Rugby World Cup uniforms and his drooling over British actress Liz Hurley.read »

'Vampire' woman escapes conviction

Oct. 11, 2011 · formidable

Her lawyer, John Miller, said Borichevsky, who had come to live in New Zealand from the United States only two months before had not known many people here at the timeread »

A Script to Make Rugby Fabulous!

Sept. 6, 2011 · actuallyinteresting

"I also made it so that paragraphs containing a selection of rugby-themed words appeared pink, allowing the reader to skim past rugby-themed escapees from the Sports section." [ed: not sure why this isn't standard functionality over at stuff]read »

Death threat on Coke staff

June 5, 2011 · southlandtimes

The man said his wife died in February last year and his claims she was poisoned by Coca-Cola were "patently untrue" but his threats against staff in Invercargill were being taken serious-ly by the company, Mr Adams said.read »

Chinese teen sells his kidney for an iPad 2

June 3, 2011 · formidable

The 17-year-old boy, identified only by his surname, "Zheng", confessed to his mother that he had sold the kidney after spotting an online advertisement offering cash to anyone prepared to become an organ donor. "I wanted to buy an iPad 2, but I didn't have the money," the boy told Shenzhen TV in the southern province of Guangdong.read »

Altercation puts new spin on cyberstalking

April 17, 2011 · farcebook

she left after agreeing in an out-of-court settlement not to ''look at [Mr Cox's] Facebook page'' or ''cause her servants or agents to look at or otherwise monitor [Mr Cox's] Facebook page'' for a period of 20 years. read »

Georgian woman cuts web access to whole of Armenia

April 7, 2011 · formidable

Entire country loses internet for five hours after woman, 75, slices through cable while scavenging for copper. [ed: Even my house has better internet redundancy than Armenia.]read »

Warehouse to offer pet insurance

April 7, 2011 · sports

With tougher economic conditions, Mr Devlin said he believed many Kiwis would take up the idea of pet insurance.read »

Shoe-nuking Lani fighting for her job

April 3, 2011 · goodtoknow

the Herald on Sunday performed a controlled experiment. We nuked a pair of $20 op-shop shoes in a 700-watt microwave for five minutes. After two minutes, smoke started billowing from the machine, accompanied by the rancid smell of burning leather. When the smouldering Chinese-made shoes were removed, the soles had come unstuck, and the leather tongue looked like melting bitumen. The shoes were wrecked - but the microwave survived.read »

Betrayed women's blackmail revenge

April 1, 2011 · formidable

They broke a lampshade and ornaments, poured maple syrup on his bed, poured bleach on his clothing, emptied the contents of a dressing table on to the floor, microwaved his shoes and turned his freezer off. They also put tools and clothes into a spa pool.read »

Spanish tennis star hits ball at crying baby

March 31, 2011 · formidable

Trailing in his quarter-final match at the ATP and WTA Masters event in Miami, and annoyed by the crying, Ferrer directed a forehand lob toward the infant after losing his serve midway through the second set. read »

Pornography news - NZ Herald

March 22, 2011 · notnews

[ed: the herald now has a dedicated 'pornography' section.]read »

Important keys stolen with vehicle

March 17, 2011 · perfecttiming

Keys crucial to ChCh water system stolen with dark grey Nissan Navara ute, DDW 275. Public asked to assist with finding vehicle.read »

Police raid Nelson gang pad with digger

March 11, 2011 · fuckyeahnelson

Police this morning used a digger to bust through the fence of a gang pad as a series of raids were launched across the top of the South Island.read »

Customs to trial body scanners to look for drugs

Feb. 21, 2011 · certainleveloffear

Last year, the US Transportation Security Administration sparked a privacy backlash when it expanded the use of full-body image scanners, which create what looks like a nude image of the passenger. The use of full-body scanners in New Zealand is prohibited under the Aviation Crimes Act. [ed: this isn't really amusing. let's hope it stays that way.]read »

Italy sex-scandal teen wants compensation

Feb. 18, 2011 · contradiction

In an email exchange with The Associated Press on Wednesday and Thursday, Karima El Mahrough, who goes by the stage name Ruby, lamented that she has been "treated as a prostitute by all the Italian and foreign media." Ruby, now 18, requested 15,000 euros ($NZ26,889) for a full TV interview, saying: "I don't do anything for nothing." [ed: apparently other people don't find this as hilarious as I do. ymmv.]read »

Lights out for doctors' slang

Feb. 18, 2011 · actuallyinteresting

Doctors have long written acronyms on patients' files, including FLK for funny-looking kid, DGT (drunk, got thumped), LOBNH (lights on but nobody home) and Father Ted, to describe a confused elderly patient.read »

Paul Henry could hit US TV screens

Feb. 15, 2011 · certainleveloffear

early reactions from television executives had been positive, adding that "in some cases there's also a certain level of fear". [ed: I realise that this is in the entertainment section of stuff and thus not really fair game, but I really hope it works out for him.]read »