Don't Have a Fag, Man By Sophia Bentley - Monday, 01 June 2009

Smoking can kill you and so can The Simpsons. A new tax-payer funded research project into why impressionable youngsters are taking up this nasty habit consisted of a team of highly qualified researchers watching 400 episodes of The Simpsons... 'for science'. The research proved fruitful, obtaining 795 instances of smoking.

A scientist says, "The most notable characters who smoked were Marge Simpson's sisters Patty and Selma, Krusty the Clown and Bart's school teacher Mrs Krabappel."

Yeah, well, they failed to realised the most subversive aspect of this cartoon: they are all yellow; obviously a celebratory salute to the jaundiced skin of a seasoned smoker. And no one reported that, the researchers, after watching 400 episodes within such a concentrated timeframe all experienced an alarming addiction to doughnuts, with 48% of participants hospitalised due to overeating.  

Why not sit down and watch every single programme a child is likely to watch and count all the possible bad habits, words and actions that they are likely to copy and simply edit them out. That way, they will be able to get on with a pure, sanitised life.

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